Heres my story, its pretty bad i guess but I want some help improving it if at all possible, Ekas and /elit/ from 7chan have basically ignored me or simply insulted it, I'm looking for a real deep critique if anyone has the time. Its shocking I know, asking people to help the erotic lit community nurture and grow? Lol anyway hope your eyes don't bleed too much.

It was a very cold night that day we camped near the beach. I would clutch my blankets tighter in my own small personal tent, a hand around my knees as I curled up to resist the encroaching cold that came with the autumn winds from the sea. It was a treacherous time to be part of a trade caravan, but the shipments had to be finished before winter, when the muddy hell of the roads would turn into a frozen wall, the rustling of thin grass and weed and trees were drowned out by the dominating sound of waves crashing against the beach just a hundred meters away.

I heard a soft sound like a fingernail dragging against fabric, I turned around slowly as the sound continued. The faint moonlight was cut out by my tent but even I could see the glimmer of metal as a blade cut a hole through my tent. My eyes widened in shock, I could barely see my assailant but there was no way it could be anything but a monster girl. a loud metal shink was heard as she quickly sheathed the weapon and reached forward to grab me in one motion, I barely got out a yelp, I was quivering as her cold hands touched against my skin roughly, Her dark hair and light Padded armor didnt seem to shield her from the cold as much as my blanket did me,

I shook my head and struggled in fear. What did a creature want with me? I could only think I must have been some kind of ransom target for my father, the Dominearing beast gave me a heavy slap on my rear while she covered my mouth in her iron grip. As i teared up from fear and struggling she muttered something in my language. "Stupid Human, You be silent, Ssena be angry if you make noise" she muttered again in an arcane sounding langauge i didn't understand at all. Her icy glare and brown hair in the moon light did wonders to shut up my muffled cries. she heaved me up, blanket and all, keeping her strong right arm gloved around my mouth, while the other secured my legs, she huffed as her large chest bounced up and down her green and metal outfit illuminated in the stars and the reflections of the batting waves.

I struggled to slip my arms out from under neath the thick blanket but it was wrapped around my body, Time dragged on as i was uncomfortably carried cross country, until we seemed to be at a more rocky inlet, and far from the trail and the open seas, I could see the warm glow that the creature seemed to approach steadily, a thin cavern lit by what must be firelight, the orange light trickling into the unstill waters of the sea like willows.

once we reached it I was unceremoniously tossed feet first inside, I hit the ground hard and cried out.

I looked around quickly, there was fire and cave walls and flickering shadows, but i was too disorientated to notice anything before my kidnapper appeared to bath into a warm orange light, her eyes where hard as she looked down at me, but she appeared to be very youthfull even though she dwarfed me by a full foot, It was obvious, as her green tail and patches of scales that this girl was a lizardfolk, her long hair pulled back into a ponytail by a ribbon, she seemed hauty, and challenging, yet reserved, rather than outspoken or gaudy, she simply scowled at the world with her young face, daring it to put up a fight, her orange eyes looked down on me "Stupid girl can scream all wants now, Ssena not care" she smirked.

I hesitated for a second scared of her strength, before I let out a positively ear splitting scream. It even hurt my own ears, Maybe monster girls are more sensitive because she nearly fell out of the cave in surprise and descended upon me to deliver a hard smack, rolling my body before trapping my jaw shut with her iron claws again, She was practicaly red with anger "YOU!, what you stupid human, try and wake up whole JUNGLE!" she demanded, I whimpered, not understanding why she cared when she said she didn't, " girl scream like that again and she lose tongue," she glared at me in her broken language,

she didnt appear stupid, but her constant mutterings in her native tongue was nothing I could understand, she only barked and hissed broken trade language at me, her voice also seemed very youthful for her tenure She couldnt be more than a few years older than I yet she was so fear sum and powerful. "عظيم ، والآن كنت استيقظ يا أصدقائي!" she yammered as she turned passed me and for the first time I noticed several others who have been yawning and glaring at me, A centaures was still snoozing gently, while werekat and witch sat ominously glaring at me and the lizard girl she barked back by the witch اللعنة عليك! لا تعرفون ماذا أسكت هو؟" seemed to confirm my suspicions about the arcane nature of the speech but who knows, I certainly wasn't an educated person nor had any encounter with real magic, "nnn. You two really need to learn Common, No one else can understand you" the feline spoke groggily "why should Ssena learn stupid human language!? Ssena not like them" she called back "You're so tsundere, You know you like them, otherwise why are you so insisting on constantly raiding." Ssena took on a rosy outraged look "Y-ou! You know it NOT like that" "yeah yeah, if you keep it up you'll need to cut back yknow"

she seemed to tease her, I was positively terrified, this lizardwoman was strong fierce and had taken me, while her companion simply brushed her aside and egged her on, Ssena sighed as she asked "You want any?" "Nah, we don't need that much, we aren't doing all the work, Ocyrhoe might, if you want to wake her. You should probably be quiet though, If kris cant sleep she'll be peeved" "No use, Already up." the tired looking witch glared at Ssena, "Youre going to compensate for this you know!" The Lizard backed up a bit before sighing "Yes Yes, Ssena Understand she work hard." looking over back at me, I had shrunk into a corner half wanting to bolt but I didn't know where i was and couldn't see where i was going. the cave was surprisingly sparse but it was shallow and had a small opening, I was beginning to wonder how the centauress got in when Ssena grabbed my blanket and roughly yanked it out from underneath me, leaving me in tan cotton pajamas, I shivered as she hauled me up over to a sack, i struggled very little, only trying to keep my balance as she tied my limbs, then set me on the cushioning surface of my blanket.

She seemed to glance at the centauress but seemed to think better of it, perhaps not waking her up, I started to really sob now, as things took on a quiet turn, the girl fished in her back for some things while i sobbed, eventually i heard the casual groggy voice of the were cat again "need any help?" "wha? umm, Think Ssena is okay right, not fancy" there was a soft silence ", I-ITS rock this time, No fire catch" she sputtered "s-stop worrying, You embarrassing parasite" "I cant help it I'm going to help" she commented off hand and wrapped her arms around the lizard girl. who seemed to stiffen up

as the girl peeked over the shoulder of Ssena she commented softly occasionally "Desert plantains, if you keep having those you'll get fat yknow," "Sh-hut up, besides it goes bad if not used" "w-hat about the garnish?" "It'l just burn leave it, try the pepper rub, spicy sweet might match your personality you'll love it" "sh-shut up!, anyway I'll set her up now" she wandered over carrying a variety of things in tough while eying me, soft rosy in her cheeks, probably from embarrassment, either way she seemed much less aggressive this time the kitty girl also looked down on my with a hand over her mouth in mock concern "my what an unlucky girl, but maybe with princess Tsundere here, its lucky anyway" she giggled "shut up, Not princess" the metal breast plate and light padding certainly did make her look more like a warrior than royalty, she gently picked me up off the ground eyeing me, "You not want to behave, but much simpler if you do." she seemed dismissive and flipped me on my back, then untied the bits of rope from my angles and spread my legs very wide, "hold" she commanded her kitten companion "Ye-a" she had an unusual strength as she held my legs in place while Ssena made short work of my cloths with a blade, she began to peal two rather large black bananas, they where bigger than usual so i wasn't sure where they had gotten them, she gingerly started to prod my tender pussy, still scared by the knife I barely noticed "what, What are you doing sto!" I cried out as she thrust the mushy peeled thing strait inside of my pussy, Curiosity had broken my virginity long ago, but the large plantain was like a fist, only its squishiness let it slowly ease its way inside of me. I cried out in pain softly.

It wasn't long before I was practically crying but the two simply seemed ambivalent about it. "if you'd rape her first it would loosen em up yknow" a tired made barked from the other side "I tell you it NOT like that" the lizard girl complained, even as she thrust the banana deeper inside of my tender abused pussy, the were kat whispered into my ear "she'd do it, but she's too tired"

It didn't do much to ease my suffering surprisingly, I could still barely understand what was happening to me, why didn't they get a man? why where they abusing me in such a horrible way, sticking food deep inside of me, i almost didn't notice when Ssena switched from the first to the second thick banana, much of it was crushed on the outside and sopped down my stuffed cunny while she tried to force it in, she shivered slightly as she blushed despite her stoic face, gulping gently as she continued her assault till my pussy and womb where full to bursting. as i came down from forced orgasms and pain settling to a powerfull dull ache deep inside of me, the kitty was beginning to make me eat strawberries, while Ssena began to message me down, i felt granular bits bite gently against my skin as she rubbed an oil over my body, as she worked her way up I could smell the thick spicy pepper from the oil. she spared my poor pussy and breasts, instead wrapping up my braid and coating my hair as well with it while the kitty managed to make me chow down on 12 strawberries. it was actually somewhat soothing, the massage worked me down to soft sniffles.

"the strawberries should be working by now, go ahead and do the rest" she smiled and quickly expanded her oiling massage to my sensitive boobs, she squeezed them roughly as i felt the dull burn of pepper on my sensitive bust start to burn and itch terribly, "dont worry, they should keep the pain from becoming unbearable" the kitty explained as a blushing Ssena looked down at my exposed body, panting a bit, she took a nice lick on my Peppered breasts, her tongue felt cool and relaxing compared to the painful heat on my tenderized tits.

Ssena took off a small ring and offered it to the kitten girl as she hoisted me in the air, "My, letting her barrow it? you say you don't care and here you are letting her barrow a magic item worth her life" the kitten teased precociously, I had no idea what they where talking about until i felt the cold ring slip into my bound hands behind my back and a cool wash over my pepper oiled body, "sh-shut up, It just so she not Cry, Not like I like her." She said defiantly, I wasn't inclined to disagree with all I've been through but the red haired kitten disagreed as she continued to tease her

It was rather sudden when they pushed me down onto my knees, "bend over" Ssena commanded i wobbled until i was on my knees with the kitten supporting my other side, I looked back but the red head captured my mouth and began to force me into a kiss, she pulled back, and whispered "don't worry' you'll barely feel it" before diving back in and ravishing my tongue and lips with her own.

It wasn't long to wait before something cold and metal was felt against my bottom, I cried out in the kitties mouth, but her only response was to grip me tighter and kiss harder, pulling on my lips hard as she moaned against me, i felt the intruding thing Ssena must be pushing into me travel deep deep inside of me, her slightly scaly hand on my bare oiled bottom, she wasn't pulling it back, it just kept going deeper and deeper into my bottom. I only started to understand just what was happening the, as the metal shaft traveled deep up inside me, Ssenas skilled hands guiding it carefully through my entire body my eyes wide open as i felt it hit the back of my thought and travel through me,

There was a sudden jerk and my kisser's eyes shot open as she felt the thick metal shaft penetrating me slipped into her own body, her eyes looked up at what must be Ssena behind me in a surprised and frightened manner she moaned and started to struggle "Stand still or I miss" Ssena complained as she thrust it deep inside both of us, completely spitting us like a shishkebab. she walked up to both of us rubbing our heads and smiling "this teach Cat to respect Ssena honor." the large metal spear impailing us was something beyond my ability to understand on the level of how i was still alive and barely in any pain, but I knew what fate Ssena had in store for me, I moaned as I cursed myself for not attempting escape at all.

The kitten who had been her cooking aid before was now throwing a fit, but it didn't take long for her to be stripped and tied just as I was, although the filling and pepper oil was skipped. she hoisted us up with little effort "You two perfect couple" she remarked in a teasing voice, then proceeded to set us over a low burning campfire near the entrance, most of the fire out, only hot coals heated the area now as we where set like a very large roast, the spit strained with the wait, and didn't seem like it was meant for 2 people, not that I wanted it to break and drop me into the hot coals.

I began to get frantic struggling and moaning and trying my best to some how remove my whole body from a pole embedded inside me, It was useless. even as the lizard girl licked her lips as she rotated us, occasionaly switching sides to look at the kitten every now and then, after a moment I started to notice how little pain there was, it seemed like the heat around me would be good enough to boil water twice over, and the spit was especially hot, but the burning was reduced by so much, that i could actually think instead of just scream till passing out of exhaustion

I suddenly remembered the ring, which felt ice cold on my finger, was this real magic protecting me from the heat? it still felt so hot, I knew I must be cooking up, my lungs burned from the little air i could breath around the thick pole. I noticed my predator drizzling a thick brown sauce ontop of the were cat, smiling calmly and rubbing it into her, we where chest high with her kneeling next to us as she turned us over the coal, She layed out a clean mat and took hold of a thick bit of leather armor

Pretty soon she was was slipping off the giant spit off the roasting coals, I felt cool air wash over me, I looked at the kitten infront of me, she had taken on a very light brown color more than her usual, her semi long hair was singed at the ends, and i was glad mine was braided, not that it seemed it would matter, the leather gave the immensely strong lizard girl protection from the pole cooking us from the inside out, she slipped her blade between us and gently used the flat side of it to slide her kitten friend onto the mat, she was very gentle compared to our skewering and my rough entrance to this hell. "sorry, but with these, Not done yet" she said grasping my tender bust, then licking her hand, she sat me back on the roast, back above the coals, she gently looked into my tearing eyes as she turned, her face seemed to have a warm happy glow, (see pic) as the coals light sparked flame in her deep orange eyes, it was at the same time gut wrenching and comforting, I was food, but the rough attitude that had terrified me earlier was not piled ontop of my misery,

Soon I must have taken on a nice tasty color because she gently lifted me off the coals, "all done" she giggled as she slid me off of the hot spit and onto the cool mat, she began to drizzle more brown sauce on top of me, it wasn't until it got hot that i smelled and realized the potent syrup was chocolate topping. she gingerly retrieved the ring from my fingers as she set back to observe her cooking work, I was panting as I was able to take in real oxygen, the kitty in front of me was just recovering, her jewel green emeralds sparkling in contrast to her new tan.

she smiled happily at us taking in a deep sniff to our aromas, I could smell us too, I couldn't say the humany aroma that wafted around me was apatizing but the chocolate reminded me it was about breakfast time now, "So We where breakfast" I sobbed, "at least its my favorite meal of the day, I choked" wishing i was somewhere with a nice stack of pancakes and syrup. I heard the little kitten speak up, she was even shorter than me surprisingly, "why'd you cook me too?" she said in a surprisingly faux irritated voice. "But you look so cute in kiss, Cant break, So cooked instead" Ssena said in a voice that was teasing but in this scenario made it seem unnerving "S-so aggressive" "wh-at!" Ssena replies with less patience, "oh well whatever, Better this than those skeletons in the last dungeon" she said horsely, being cooked had left both of us both that way.

I felt a cool breeze come over me and looked to see Ssena with a fan blowing cool air over us, "You're adventurers?" "Yeah, we ran low on food so we did this, then Ssena here got a taste for it, I guess she'll add monster girls too" "no, Just annoying embarrassing parasites" Ssena bit back. "Tsundere to the last" "that you're last," "苦しい" "Speak Common!" the kitten stuck out her tongue at Ssena, "Rrr, Just be my food already!" she grunted and heaved the girl up and started to stuff her down her mouth, I balked, my eyes wide as she stretched herself around the significantly smaller but still large kitten and gulped her naked chocolate covered body head first,

as she managed to stuff the little loli kitten into her belly with a few strong gulps, popping her fist against her belly "ahh you where tasty, You wont be a parasite much longer" "oh yeah? just think of all the pounds you'll gain" a muffled voice from inside the thick bulging tummy of Ssena, "And you didn't chew me either, yknow," "sh-shut up already, I just didn't want mess, it's not because Ssena like you" the angered lizardfolk turned her head towards me and growled, I was already in pain, terrified, and amazed at just what happened, It surprised her and she softened a bit, "Well, then? fast or slow?"

"s-slow?" I replied unsure of what would be better, as she leaned down and slipped my feet into her mouth, I could see the witch and centaur rouse behind her, the centaur smiled chearfully at me waving me goodby while the witch burried her head in a book not appearing too interested in my affair, slowly Ssenas body and head widened as she slipped my legs in, warm saliva coated my peppery body and I could see her face redden with the oily spicy sauce I had been basted in, she let out a groan as she made it to my tummy, I could feel her lips taste my tender roasted pussy, she gave my belly a soft squeeze and I felt a thick liquid ooze out of me,

"MMMMmmmmm" Ssena moaned as the thick banana mix flowed outside of my body, she gulped it up and then continued to devour me, soon we where eye to eye as she chewed gingerly on my thick bust, moaning and grunting as she tried to fit me all the way inside, I could feel her appetizer inside the belly I would soon become a part of, I let out a whimpered goodbye as she tasted my head and then gave a final gulp.

I felt the thick chocolate smear along my body as lubricant with her saliva as I was forced deep inside Until I was squished against the kitty girl,

"looks like we're just a statistic now." she said off hand, "h-how can you be so calm," "I'm an adventurer, I almost die every, This is a lot less scary than zombies and skeletons with scythes"
I shivered as I felt the tummy contract and squeeze us with fluids, "mmm you tasted so good food, thanks for blanket." Ssena called out "for having the guts to cook and eat me I suppose you can have my share of the treasure too" the kitten called out while I sobbed "MM damn right I have the guts to cook and eat you two" she rubbed the tummy more she heaved her belly up and walked over to the witch handing her a few gold coins "ironguts" she requested,
The short witch obliged casting the spell on her companion the going back to her studies, "My, I guess we'll need a new lock picker wont we Ssena" a voice spoke, it must have been the centaur "Yes, sorry, I'll fix" she told her "right after I digest dumb girl and parasite" she cruely remarked "we love you too, princess tsundere" my fellow meal called out "I- I don't like you at all, I mean it, you two can be digested for all I care." "I can tell you're blushing even from in here, your body wont lie" "J-just shut up and digest into oblivion already you pest" Ssena moaned as the kitty giggled soon though Ssenas tummy grumbled loudly, and squeezed us with magical strength, rubbing us over and over with tummy acids, her potent magical acids from the spell quickly turning us into jelly as we kicked and struggled, soon our bodies where so soft they couldn't hold against the magical forces crushing against us, our jello like bodies where crushed into liquid that drained out of Ssenas tummy and into her intestines where we where finally absorbed, we where cooked, eaten, and digested by a lizardwoman.

... Alright.

I think I can ask: how did the characters get introduced? Tsundre, Kris, etc, I mean. It may have been covered, but I can point out now; having the people all talking in the one paragraph completely loses almost anyone who's reading it - there's little to indicate a different person's input.

Ok.

Now, it's obvious that you devoted some time and thought into writing this. Which is good. Because you definately need more time and thought if you wish to write good stories.

I wish I could just do this sentence by sentence with you, where I could point at the mistake and tell you how to fix it. But I think we agree that thát isn't the way to go. So here's a few pointers instead, I suppose.

-No need to force the use of fancy words. Once you get accustomed to your own writing style, you'll be much more capable of placing more "complex" or elaborate words in a way that wont make them seem out of place. It's good that you have a large vocabulary at your disposal, but I get the feeling you think the prettier the words you use - the prettier the text will become. In truth though, it just furthers the general confusion in your writing.

-Reading and rereading your own text is always a good idea. It helps you fix the grammar and spellings, and trust me, this means a lot to the reader. It will also help you to clarify whatever it is that you want to say. Reading my own text after a day or two works best for me, personally. It's just about enough time for me to detach myself from the words I wrote and gives me an objective insight while reading. You have to put yourself in the reader's place in order to know how to present your story in the right way.

-The previous point should cover the punctuation and new paragraphs for non-indirect speech, but I just can't emphasize that enough. I found myself not knowing who's saying what at times :(

-Background work on your characters. Or at least some sort of descriptive effort >< ...I didn't know that your main character (the one telling the story) was a female untill you mentioned breasts and vaginas!

-If you're going to write in a respective style throughout the story, mentioning stuff like "pussy" and "cunt" all of a sudden, seems out of place somehow. You have a good vocabulary, you can use "respective synonyms" to make it seem more classy, if you know what I mean. And if you can't find the words and it seems to you that saying "genitals" and "vagina" or "womanhood" sounds repeatative, remember - pronouns are your friends!

-Don't be afraid to finish the sentence. They just seem to go on and on, and my internal voice is gasping for air after a while and there is no full stop in sight. Long can be pretty, but clear is what you should go for at first.

-Using "I" as much as you do, is too much, even for English language. "...I heard a soft sound, I turned around slowly" would be far more pleasant if phrased "I heard a soft sound and turned around slowly" or some fix along those lines.

-Reading books helps a great deal, believe me! Find the genre you like, the genre that will interest you and get to reading. Personally, I love fiction. Salvatore and Tolkien are my personal Gods when it comes to style and just general beauty of their stories. Find yours. If you feel you have to, try and copy his style and the type of sentences at first. You will develop on your own after.

Anyway, I hope this helps, at least a little bit. I hope you don't find my reply as nagging, or condescending, because it isn't. It just seems to me you would really like to write and have ideas but can't put them on paper as well as you'd like.

On the other hand, maybe I'm overestimating your enthusiasm and you couldn't give less shit about practicing, rereading your texts and reading books. But one must hope to help bring about more writers.

weird...sort of...want!

>>3
Well, Sentence by sentence would be awesome in my mind actually, but with little to no help from other sites I'm not too picky "as long as I get something I can work with", something I can keep writing without making the same mistakes I am now.

what I really need is what mistakes am I making, why they are mistakes, and suggestions to fix them,

I remember a time when I constantly stuck with a single adjective long ago and then decided to branch into synonyms with a thesaurus, I wasn't hand picking these words, I guess it's just something I've done for so long its a bad habit ingrained in my writing style.

I know it's in need of a grammar checker, I also have a bad habit of typing out incorrect words that are, of course spelled correctly, but are in there for no raisin.
>>2
I guess I can include that, The original roll and tell thread focuses on your meeting with a single monster you rolled for, so I tried to go with mostly the lizardgirl, I would have found it headdeskingly boring to write without any dialog and the merchants daughter wasn't in much of a place to say much.

Lol that was pretty bad. No offense or anything, but I hardly understood what was going on. >>3 seems to have said pretty much what you gotta to do

>>6
3 basically told me to use less fancy words and to proof read it, thats not a critique thats brief advice. I need to know what my mistakes are so i don't keep making them when I revise.

see >>5

Dude no ones gonna quote lines from your story and fix them for you. It would take even longer than actually rewriting the whole thing, and the chances are you wont really learn shit. And 3 said that you need punctuation and a total redo on style. Everything else is just stylistic, and you'd fix all that by reading a book and then comparing it to your writing. If practice and you still can't figure out what you're doing wrong then give up writing because you either have a feeling for what sounds good or you don't

>>8
>>herp derp
Whats that? Meaningful critique is going to take a while? Who fucking knew!, Although I don't really fucking know what you're going on about how it wont teach me shit and I either got it or I don't, sounds like you've never been to school, or at the very least, haven't been paying much attention in one.

Listen, I was trying not to be a dick by just smiling and nodding, but I really already knew those things, they don't help, they're basics that I already know. It feels like I drew down a quick perspective sketch and you're telling me not all the lines are correct and it's too busy.

If you're not able to spot certain problems with this piece other than 'gee it's a first draft, do it again but better', I probably don't want your help in the first place. On the other hand if you don't have or want to spend the time? It's the god damn internet. No ones expecting you to come in here and blow an hour or two critiquing it, in fact almost no one does. (and the amature writing communities almost everywhere in existence certainly reflect this, heres an obvious example www.fanfiction.net ) It's certainly your choice, but I'd appreciate it if you don't march into my thread and tell me to bury myself in a hole for trying to learn to write.

well if you ask me you have a good backbone and idea to the story, but you're using complex sentences that don't go anywhere interesting detail wise, or the detail is pointed in the wrong direction. In the first paragraphs these are the main points you are trying to make.

-female warrior/trader in a trade caravan, camped on beach on a cold night.
-tent is broken into by a monster girl, she is kidnapped for an unknown reason


but you told this in 480 words, or 1 page of info in standard word format. It’s ok to be descriptive, but only describe what is important. Think of your audience as a bunch of blind people that you are trying to tell what is going on to them. Does the girl even have a name? I know it’s told from first person perspective, but you’d still know what you would look like.

>>9
Sorry for bringing reality to you 44 but /lit/ is not for writing lessons. If you want those go check out your local YMCA or college to see if they are offering them. /lit/ is for putting you works up for harsh scrutiny resulting in either kudos for good work, or insults if your work is bad. Neither of these include holding your hand through all your sentences telling you exactly what is wrong.

If I can give you one tip it is to try writing all this stuff up in Microsoft word or a similar word processing tool and use the spelling/grammar checker in there to help you along.

>>11
If i thought handing this to the YWCA associate wouldn't get me lynched I would do It. There are few places i know what share this kink and even fewer with people i can talk to and a final infinitesimal tiny sprinkle of them with a writing community that might be able to read it. I can't think of anywhere else to try honestly.

>>10
See this is slightly getting somewhere, but not enough to really help, obviously knowing what info could be boring or too long and what needs elaborated, and various other mistakes are necessary, without them It feels like being told to stop the bomb you're going to need to cut some wires, but it doesn't tell me anything about electric current, how to figure out which wires to cut and more importantly how cutting said wires stops the explosion.

Its not that I don't appreciate the gesture, certainly leaves me with a nickel I wouldn't otherwise have ended up with, but its just not enough to get me anywhere.

>>13
Then take them something you wrote that is not all about death and murder and then they might help you out.

>>13

oh, sorry about that. You're kinda falling into the writer's trap I usually joke about:

"There has been so much back story given to <blank> that it will obviously be an important character with a valuable contribution through out this entire story."

In the first few paragraphs you don't have any information about the girl, but you've given the entire seasonal change for the beach and how it affects trade routes. and then you leave it 2 paragraphs later...

never to come back...

Something like:

---

Pulling the blankets around me closer, a small shiver runs through my body as I toss and turn sleeplessly in my cot. I start to question if my Mother was right about leaving the court and becoming a trader. My brother was to inherit the family estate, leaving me to marry whatever man would make our family richer. I thought any kind of adventure would be better than living that life.

Looking over at my leather armor, I started to wonder if it would be a good idea to wear it to fend off the cold. It probably wouldn't be a good idea, it wouldn't cover anymore than I was wearing right now, and it was most uncomfortable since it was designed for a man. It had a tendency to crush her breasts, and other parts were just too loose. If she put it on now, she'd be sore by mor-

She quickly turned when a sound like nails ripping cloth came from behind her, turning to look she saw the glint of a dagger as the blade ripped open the fabric of the tent...

---

Just think of it this way the main characters should get the most main points or details.

Now this is really helpful,
I guess I get lost in a lot of Tolkien esque books but its probably less important in a story like this,

It's not a full critique, but you axed an issue with the beginning I wasn't even really aware of (I thought the beginning was mostly fine.) Usually they are pretty faceless people in these stories, but as you easily might point out, why care about what the main character is blabbering about without any sort of connection to her.

I have to think it still gets even messier during the dialog in later scenes anyway though, I was trying to balance the creepiness with some humor to avoid too much grim dark.

If anyones interested, this is what roll and tell is http://zip.4chan.org/tg/res/6083624.html

>>16

ok, now that you've told me that this is actually a writer's challenge when you haven't written much before, you get a small smack. if you are starting out you really want to have as few characters as possible, plus things in your own area of interest. if you know more about lizard girls or think more about them, and you roll an antgirl, you're gonna be at a disadvantage.

also, you're copying someone who is famous for writing long and winding stories with hundreds of subplots when you are trying to write a short story with a handful of characters, half of them which will never be seen again because they are being eaten. again, in short stories you'll want maybe 4 at most, but you'd really want to be able to focus on 3 at a time.

as for the "this <blank> is very important, since it's been given so much detail." being only at the start, you actually have this problem since you have too many characters. you don't really have enough time to detail them all along with the action that is going on. You have the centaur and witch come out of nowhere to give back story, then vanish just as quickly after their part is done. You could have the cat girl tell the backstory before she gets speared, or have the centaur get slightly aroused while watching.

I realized the other real big problem's source when you posted the link to the game on the other chan. You're thinking that the people will understand what the characters will look like based off of their pictures. But unless you post the pictures with the story every time, noone will know what they look like. Go back and read the story, but this time pretend you don't know anything. go off, melt your brain with some TV, clean your room, and come back and read the story without even thinking of the pictures and try to follow as if you never read the story before. this is the main reason that your stories are 'poorly written'.

your stories have good ideas, and good detail, but you are putting too much detail in scenery and leaving the important descriptions to pictures or outside sources, stretching yourself thin with excess characters and trying to put a full length story into a short story's wordspace.

this is pretty much the main problems, if you don't mind, could you write up a new story and post it, It'd help me to see some new content with what you've learned to see what has or hasn't gotten through. if you have trouble with charecter ideas, you can use these ones again, just not so many and don't use the pictures, put in your own detail...

and if you could put something like (hunter's request) in the title so I can find it, I have a little trouble finding stuff here.

>>17
firstly
>>first two paragraphs
Actually while I'm listening to your advice you seem to have a few misconceptions, not your fault. first off, There are few creatures i wouldn't mind writing about, In fact, the actual idea was to write a story involving at least some kind of vore for every number.

As for the tolkien thing, For a second I thought you where referring to someone in the thread so sorry about that. I mainly did that for atmosphere than anything else, I don't necessarily think its something I'm unable to do, >>15 (not sure if its you) was easily able to demonstrate that not only is it not important, its at the expense of the things that are the focus of the piece. Like drawing a bridge right in front of a focal building just because its there.

The rest of it is all gold though, I personally thought dialog problems and believable characters would be the main problem with the latter half, but I see where your coming from, and a few good smacks to my face for missing some of those ideas. they sound golden to include but I never thought of them

on a small note, I was using my own descriptions for the lizard woman, sans hair style, but As we've established, I spent too much time dicking around and not writing about the characters.

I'll do that when I have Time which should be shortly, but job hunting might get in the way. Hunter's request makes it sound like something from PSO.

I'll try to Torrent Word Too so I have something to at least tell me when I make grammatical mistakes if not how to fix them, Now if only I knew how to teach it to point out when I substitute homonyms

>>19

yeah sorry, 15 and 17 were both me, I never use the "username lock" thingy, I find I've never really needed to. except the "the hunter" in the chat is not me, I never go there and some guy got it before me when I went there. I just have a short/long term memory problem thing that when I sleep my perspective/personality changes a little by the time I wake up, so I tend to write differently each day or something along those lines.

and I actually recommend that you torrent a "text to speech" program instead, since I just put on a pair of headphones and have the voice read it back to me. It sounds disjointed, but that makes the it easier to hear the errors.

I think all computers come with word as part of the basic OS anyways, I'm on a mac and I still had it from the start.

>>20

HOLLY CRAP! A living breathing MAC user!!

>>20
word 2007 isn't really a usable piece of software,
you remind me thought that windows 7 is apparently getting an official voiced mascot by some Japanese voice actor.

The text is incomprehensible, but I actually fapped to this. Am considering doing my own personal rewrite.

No offense to the original author, I had to do it so I'd feel less guilty about the...you know...

Changed the beginning but ended up keeping many parts that were well-written (for my tastes anyway)

------------------------------------

I was exiled from the city to wander the wastes, because my honor had been sullied by a young peasant attempting to seize my honor. He didn’t succeed, but when they checked my sex, they found that my virginity had been lost somehow. Thus I was cast out with only the clothing on my back and a blanket. For days I wandered the wastes, fleeing monsters, sleeping in dark holes hoping that nothing would kill me, living off the few rations they had bothered to give me. Eventually, I was out of food, and on the edge of starvation. I began to wonder what my eventual fate might be.
I woke up one night to find that I was being wrapped up like a meat roll in my own blanket. A tall, dark figure was standing over me, its fearsome silhouette fixed against the full moon in the background. Panicking, I struggled hard, but the monster, realizing I was awake, hissed:
“Make sound, and I unzip you like fish, human.”
My heart was pounding with a rush of adrenaline, but I forced myself to go limp, and allowed the creature to finish wrapping me up and tucking me under its arm. The creature’s muscles rippled and tightened against my body like iron, and no matter how I tried I couldn’t move my arms, or do much more than kick my legs slightly. I wanted to complain about the pressure the difficulty to breathe, but I could see vicious claws at the end of those arms through the opening at the top of my blanket-prison, and I gulped down my protests.
The creature turned. Where there was an opening in my bonds I saw the full moon one last time, and then I felt the wind flowing past me, penetrating the thin remains of my silk dress. On and on we seemed to run, and despite my fear and discomfort, I was tired, while the wind and the security of my captor’s arm relaxed me, I fell into a strange half-sleep, and perhaps dreamed that I was home again, seeing the safety of those grey walls…
Suddenly I woke up to the surface of a hard rock floor meeting my body. Groggily I tried struggling to my feet, but suddenly the familiar thick arms grabbed hold of me, pinning my arms to my sides and lifting me up so that my legs dangled helplessly in the air. Unable to stop myself I let out a piercing cry. A strong scaled hand bristling with claws forced itself over my mouth, which only caused me to scream the more into it, until tears began to run down the side of my face. Something wet and long licked the tip of my ear. In the flickering orange I looked up into the face of a lizard.
“Cease to scream, human, or human tongue I devour!”
I barely understood the threat, but the rush of fear I felt at the monster’s rage blocked my throat anyway, so that the rest of the air in my lungs escaped only in choked sobs.
“Now, human be good, then I be gentle, understand?”
The monster released me, and I tried to stand on my own, but my legs were weak with hunger and the stress of being kidnapped, and I sank to my knees, still sobbing slightly. The monster who had kidnapped me gave no heed, crouching behind me and roughly attempting to bind my wrists and ankles together with tight knots, though its claws were not well suited to such fine work. I, barely able to accept or even comprehend what was happening to me, was hardly in a position to resist, meekly accepted whatever she wished to do. For the first time I took a look at my surroundings. The flickering orange light came from a lit fire that did not seem to give off any smoke. In either direction stretched a long rock cave that tapered into darkness. Every cell in my body wanted to flee, but fear of the monster behind me turned my legs to water. Even if I managed to escape, I would not know where to flee, I thought, my heart sinking.
“Ssesna!” A voice called out from the darkness.
The monster growled, and tried harder to tie my hands together, accidentally digging claws into my right wrist and eliciting both blood and a decent cry from me.
A scuffling noise behind me announced the arrival of a new creature.
“Ssesna, my dear, what’s the noise about?”
At this point whatever had approached probably noticed me, and I felt the presence of something walking up behind me. I tried to turn my head, but thickly furred paws grasped my head and held it still.
“What have you captured here? Is it just a human girl?” The paws began to absently stroke my hair. “Look at how thin it is. You must have found it on the wastes, instead of in the cities. Ah, it’s a shame that we’re so limited in what we can pick, nowadays…”
Suddenly its tone changed. “Oh dear, you’re just making a mess of things. Here, let me take a hand. Hold her so she doesn’t move, so that I can do this right.”
I clenched my teeth as the monster’s claws tightened hard on my hands, cutting off circulation to my fingers, and mentally begged the other creature to finish tying me faster. At last I gasped out: “Please, I won’t move, just tie me up quickly and stop hurting me.”
The monster, Ssesna, seemed to stir, but the other creature laughed and said: “Thanks dearie, you’ve made my job much easier,” and gave me a kiss on the neck. When the monster grudgingly let go, the creature let out a gasp. “Oh, dearie, you’re bleeding.” Suddenly, I felt a rough, warm tongue licking at the cuts on my wrist, and tensed up as shivers ran from my arm up the rest of my body until at least she proclaimed my wound officially cleaned.
Soon my wrists were tied, and the creature tenderly stroked my shoulders until my chest no longer heaved with anxiety, before it then moved on to my ankles. “Dearie, hold them closer together. Yes, align them like that. Thank you <3” By now, my heart was confused, torn between a sort of apathetic resignation and desire to cooperate, and an eternal urge to get up and start running and never stop.
As the creature busied, I worked up the courage to ask: “May I ask…who are you?”
It laughed. “I’m Kitten, a catgirl, and this is Ssesna, a lizard woman and my traveling companion. That dress is city-make, so I’m sure you’ve never seen one of us wild-dwellers before. However, I’d say that of all the human girls I’ve seen, you’re the most deliciously cute!”
An electric trickle ran down my spine. I quickly suppressed it, not wanting to pursue that possibility much further.
When my ankles were done, the catgirl and the lizard stood up over me. “What are you waiting for?” I heard the lizard growl.
The catgirl turned me to face away from her, towards the wall. I felt her run the velvet pads of her red-furred paws along my body, but before I could guess what was happening she then begin to tear off my dress with claws that had suddenly extended from her paws, although she was gentle enough that she didn’t draw blood. To have even my barely modest rags taken off me and shredded amplified the feeling of helplessness that came with being kidnapped by a pair of monsters, and I instinctively began to curl up and closed my eyes as the catgirl tore away the last defensive bindings I’d especially tied around the sole areas I’d tried to protect: my breasts and privates. I felt her lift me up and carry my over to the wall, where she laid me down onto the blanket, facing the ceiling. My body froze as she began stroking my naked flesh, running her soft paws along my limbs, my rising and falling stomach, my smooth shoulders, the curve of my behind, my neck, and…! I clenched my teeth, trying to suppress the surges of emotion inside me as she stroked and cupped my breasts, which were substantially larger than hers despite my recent lack of food, and traced the outline of my ribcage. At last she ran her fingers to my nipples, stroking and teasing them until they hardened, and my mouth fell helplessly open in a shuddering gasp.
“You’re a bit small, dearie, and thin too. You’re probably hungry too, but we all are, in the wastes. It’s a shame, because you’re so very, very alluring. I do so love the cute! <3”
I dreaded what I knew was coming, and tensed up, but as she moved back down to the fuzzy path between my legs, and gently caressed my pubic mound, the lips of my vagina, and even inserted the tip of a claw into me, I began to quiver with fear and the beginnings of unwanted arousal. Without my realizing, a choked whimper escaped me, and she giggled. But she was done with the teasing, and left me alone, just barely warmed, kissing me on the lips and telling me to lie still and be good, (“Wouldn’t want Ssesna dear to have to bloody her claws <3”) before going off elsewhere.
I kept my eyes closed and tried not to worry too hard. In the background I heard them vaguely: “You want to use Desert plantains? Will those really go well, do you think?”
Irate growling. “Besides, they begin go bad.”
“If you insist. But then we’ve got to apply the coating after the roast. I suggest the pepper sauce first, that should be delicious. Yes, I’ve already made some, it’s over there, and yes there’s enough. No, thank you very much, I don’t want any, I’ll get my own food when I’m hungry. Yes, we should be ready to begin setting her up.”
The lizard suddenly appeared overhead in my field of vision, and lifted me up onto a high ledge, where it set me down on my back.
“You not want to behave, but simpler if you do,” it hissed.
There she untied my ankle ropes and rotated me so that I faced her, while spreading my legs wide apart, until I grunted from the degree of the stretch.
“Hold these,” it hissed, and then Kitten was beside it, holding my legs steady with a surprisingly strong grip. Together, I noticed that the catgirl was actually much shorter than the lizard woman, and had the appearance of a slightly furred cat walking on its hind quarters, but with a more humanized face and a tail that bobbed alluringly. Then I noticed the two immense black bananas in the lizard’s hands, as well as the knife slung at her waist. I gulped. Please, don’t be about to gut me…
The lizard put down one banana, and using her knife quickly hacked the peel off the other, revealing flesh that was as dark as the peel. She ran one clawed paw through the fuzz over my privates, then with the blade, shaved off the fine hairs – the edge was razor-sharp, and chilling against my unprotected skin. So distracted was I by the knife and the thought of it cutting me open that I nearly failed to notice the lizard begin prodding the peeled banana into the outside of my tender vagina. I stared down, mesmerized by manipulating of the end of the surprisingly hard banana until it had just entered between my outer lips. “Whoa, what are you doing,” I began just as she suddenly thrust the mushy peeled thing straight inside me. I’d never been with a man, but my own curiosity-driven experiments had already given me experience in having things within me; nonetheless with its width and firmness the banana was like a fist, though its squishiness let it slowly ease its way inside me. I cried out softly, gritting my teeth, only mostly from pain.
It wasn’t long before I was practically crying, but the two merely seemed nonchalant about it.
“You know, Ssesna dear, perhaps we should have raped her first. That might have loosened the poor dear up <3”
“No, I say the human no like that,” complained the lizard even as she continued forcing the banana deeper and deeper inside of my tender, abused sex.
“She’d do it herself, but she’s too tired,” the catgirl whispered in my ear, before nibbling on it flirtatiously. The thought didn’t do much to ease my suffering.
Some part of me had locked up, was refusing to comprehend what was going on or what they were doing to my body. Why were they abusing me so horribly, sticking food so deep inside me? It barely registered when Ssesna smoothed over the last of the first banana sticking out of my vagina, and picked up the second one. By now I was so full that most of the second ended up crushed against my skin on the outside and dribbled down my stuffed labia while she attempted to force it in. Despite her stoic face, Ssesna shivered slightly as she continued her assault, her tongue flickering mesmerizingly as her long scaly tail swept from side to side excitedly, but she gulped gently and went on until my sex and womb felt full to bursting. For my part, the sensation of banana mush inside me was building up me up uncontrollably, until I began to repeatedly orgasm into the mush, whimpering quietly, my legs’ trembling stilled by the catgirl’s firm grip.
Finally, the second banana was either inside me or smeared all over me. As I came down from the forced orgasms and the pain settled down to a dull ache deep inside me, the catgirl let go of my ankles, and returned with a pot of some honey glaze and some purple strawberries.
“Start finishing her girl bits, I’ll bring over the pepper rub.”
When the catgirl turned away, the lizard dipped a brush in the glaze, saying: “Relax legs. This feel much better.”
Indeed, the brush felt somewhat distant due to the heavy coating of banana, and the cool glaze felt relaxing after the struggle to cram my insides full. I felt the brush stroke my clitoris several times, and each time a burst of electricity ran through me.
Leaving the glazing to set, the lizard began massaging me with the pepper rub, while the catgirl, holding my chin firmly, began forcing me to eat the strawberries. I felt small granular particles bite gently against my skin as she rubbed oil all over my body; while she worked her way up from my sensitive soles to my hips and stomach, my eyes watered from the thick spicy pepper smell of the oil. Though she spared my poor breasts and my already glazed vagina, she instead rubbed the oil over the rest of my torso, shoulders, arms, and neck, turning me over so that she could reach my back, and finally coating the untidy braid my long hair was arranged in.
The massage was actually somewhat smoothing, and it worked me down to soft sniffles. However, where the oil coated my sensitive soles or armpits, I felt a slight itchiness that caused me to wriggle my toes and occasionally shake my torso. Why would they use such a strong rub? Perhaps the spicy flavor would get rid of the smell of a week of unwashed girl, I thought. Or…could it be that the lizard actually enjoyed those flavors? I opened my mouth to ask, but then realization of what I was thinking came to me, returning along with the rest of my fear.
“She’s had 12 strawberries, they should be working by now. Go ahead and do the rest <3”.
The lizard woman smiled, and moved from the finishing touches on my face to coating my thus far untouched breasts. As she squeezed them roughly to work the oil rub into my skin, I felt the dull burn of pepper igniting my sensitive bust.
“Don’t worry, the strawberries should keep the pain from becoming too unbearable,” the catgirl explained with a playful smile, even as my bruised bust started to burn and itch terribly. The lizard woman’s abuse of my breasts grew rougher and rougher, until her long tongue leaked out of her mouth and dangled down to the level of my rapidly warming nipples. I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable connection between our wet, red flesh. At the moment of contact my entire body quivered, and seemingly carried away by the flavor of my pepper-oiled flesh, the lizard woman tightened her grip on my breasts, holding them steady as she took a long, luxurious lick over my pepperized skin; her tongue was surprisingly soft, cool and relaxing compared to the painful heat on my tenderized chest.
Kitten must have noticed that renewed tears were threatening to ruin the oily mask on my cheeks. The cat girl took off a small ring from her tail as Ssesna hoisted me into the air, all the easier to lick me.
“You give that to human?” the lizard growled. “What you care for food?”
I only caught a glimpse of the catgirl’s corner-to-corner fang-filled expression before she walked behind me and out of my field of vision. “There are more means of satisfaction than the culinary ones, my dear!<3”
I had no idea what they were talking about until I felt the cold ring slip into the finger of one of the hands bound behind my back. Coolness washed over my entire pepper-oiled body.
“This way, she won’t cry, and she won’t spoil that pretty make-up with her tears <3.”
For a while, the lizard continued to re-oil and toy with my breasts, while the catgirl retied my ankles and suggested other condiments that might go well on top of the pepper. It was rather sudden when I was suddenly pushed down onto my knees.
“Bend over,” Ssesna commanded, licking her chops worryingly.
Though I could barely balance on my slicked shoulders and knees, I wasn’t inclined to disagree, with all I’d been through. The catgirl supported me until I wobbled and slid into position. I looked back, but Kitten suddenly caught my mouth with her lips and forced me into a kiss. Pulling back for a moment by my ear she whispered “Don’t worry, you’ll barely feel it <3” before diving back in and ravishing my tongue and lips with her own.
It wasn’t a long wait before something cold and metallic pressed against my bottom. I cried out into the catgirl’s mouth, but her only response was to grip me tighter and kiss harder, pulling hard on my lips as she moaned against me. I felt the intruding object that Ssesna must be inserting into me travel deep, deep inside me, her scaled hand on my bare, oiled buttocks. She didn’t pull it back, it just kept going on, beyond all comprehension. I only started to understand what was happening as the metal shaft, traveling deep within me, carefully guided by Ssesna’s skilled hands through my entire body, hit the back of my throat while my eyes opened wide.
There was a sudden jerk and my kisser’s eyes shot open as well as she felt the thick metal shaft penetrating me slip into her own body. Full of surprise and fright her eyes glared right behind me at what must be Ssesna and she moaned, attempting to struggle.
“Stand still or I miss,” Ssesna complained as she continued thrusting deep inside both of us, completely spitting us like shish kebabs. She walked up to both of us, rubbing our heads fondly and smiling.
“We all hungry in the wastes!”
How we could still be alive with a large metal spit impaling us was beyond my ability to understand, but now, knowing what fate Ssesna had in store for me, I moaned as I cursed myself for not having tried to escape at all.
On the other side the catgirl who had been her flirtatious cooking assistant was throwing a fit, but it didn’t take long for her to be stripped and tied just as I was, although the banana filling and pepper oil were skipped. She hoisted us up with little effort.
“You two too tasty looking, already perfect couple,” she remarked in a teasing voice, before proceeding to set us over the low burning campfire at the entrance. By now most of the fire was out, but white-hot coals still heated the area where we hung like a very large roast. The spit strained with the weight; it certainly wasn’t meant for two people, not that I wanted it to break and drop me into the hot coals.
The catgirl and I were now suspended at about the lizard woman’s chest height as she knelt next to us, tenderly turning us over the coals protected by a thick piece of leather. The lizard woman licked her lips as she rotated us, occasionally switching sides to look at the catgirl every now and then.
Frantically I began struggling and moaning, trying my best to somehow remove my whole body from the pole embedded inside me. It was useless.
After a moment, I started to notice how little pain there was. It seemed like the hear around me was high enough to boil water twice over, and the spit running through me from throat to hole felt especially scorching, but the burning was reduced by so much that I could actually think instead of screaming until I passed out from exhaustion.
I suddenly remembered the ring, which felt ice cold on my finger. Was this real magic protecting me from the heat? It still felt so hot. I knew I must be cooking up, as my lungs were burning up from the little air I could breath around the thick pole. I noticed my predator drizzling a thick brown sauce over the catgirl, smiling happily and rubbing it all over and into her.
Soon enough the lizard woman was slipping the giant spit off the roasting coals. I felt cool air wash over me again. Looking at the catgirl beside me, I saw that she had taken on a very light color through the remains of her singed fur; at this sight I was glad of my own braid, not that it would matter soon enough. As for me, although I could not see myself, I could feel the oil absorbing my sweat, seeping into my skin and drying as a semi-crust, while the coatings on my legs and arms gradually changed from slippery to sticky and finally hardened completely, so eventually I could not move at all.
The lizard woman wore a piece of leather armor to protect herself from the pole cooking us from the inside out, as she slipped her blade between us and gently used the flat to slide her former catgirl friend onto an eating mat. She was very gentle this time round, compared to my rough entrance into this hell.
“Sorry, but with these, not done yet,” she said grasping my roasted but still tender bust, then licking her hand with gusto.
She sat me back on top of the coals to roast, and as she turned she looked gently into my tearing eyes with a warm, happy glow on her face, the coals sparking flame in her deep orange eyes. For me, at the end of my life with nothing left but her face and appetite to contemplate, it was at the same time gut wrenching and comforting. I was food, but at least the rough attitude that had terrified me earlier was not piled atop my miseries.
Soon I must have taken on a nice tasty color, because she gently lifted me off the coals.
“All done!” she giggled as she slid me off the hot spit onto the cool mat. She drizzled more brown sauce on top of me, and it wasn’t until it warmed up and began to melt on top of me that I realized from the aroma that the potent syrup now covering my body to the delectation of my predator was plain old chocolate topping.
As the lizard woman set back to observe her work, I panted, finally able to take in real oxygen, while the cat girl next to me was just recovering, her emerald green eyes sparkling in contrast to her new, permanent tan.
Ssesna smiled happily at us, taking in a deep sniff of our aromas. I could smell us as well. I couldn’t say that the aroma of roasted human that wafted about me was appetizing, but the chocolate intertwined with it reminded me that it was about breakfast time now.
“So we were breakfast,” I sobbed, though no tears came out of my baked tear ducts. “At least it was my favorite meal of the day.” I choked, wishing that I was somewhere else, safe again, about to enjoy my own meal instead of serving as someone else’s.
The cat girl whispered faintly to me: “Would you say that you’ve never eaten another creature and found it enjoyable? <3 It’s all the cycle of life my dear, except your place in it is done…”
“Rrr, just be my food already!” Ssesna grunted and heaved the cat girl up, stuffing her down her throat. I gasped as much as the remains of my lungs would allow me to, my eyes wide as the lizard woman stretched herself around the significantly smaller but still large Kitten, and her her naked, chocolate-covered body down head-first.
As she stuffed the little cat girl’s stiff frame into her belly with a few strong gulps, popping her fist against her belly, and then turned her head towards me and growled hungrily. I was already in pain, terrified, and in shock over what had just happened. It surprised her, and she softened a little.
“You two looked so cute in kiss. Can’t break, so cooked also,” she mused. “Well then? Fast or slow?”
“S-slow?” I replied, unsure of which would be better, as she leaned down, and slipped me feet-first into her mouth. Slowly Ssesna’s body and head widened as she slipped my legs in, warm saliva coating my peppery body, and I could feel her face turn warm and red from the oily spicy sauce I had been basted in. She let out a groan as she languidly worked her way to my tummy. I could feel her lips taste and caress my tender roasted pussy. She gave my tummy a soft squeeze, and I felt a thick liquid ooze out of me.
“Mmmmmmmmm…” she moaned as the thick mix of banana roasted in all of my human juices flowed out of my body and down her waiting gullet. She gulped it down and continued to devour me; soon we were eye to eye as she chewed gingerly on my thick bust, moaning and grunting as she tried to fit me all the way inside. Below me I could feel the appetizer before me inside the belly that I would soon become a part of. I let out a whimpered goodbye as she licked my face one last time, savored the flavor, and then gave a final gulp.
The thick chocolate smeared along my body along with the lizard woman’s saliva acted as a lubricant as her convulsing throat muscles forced me deep inside until I was squashed against the other girl.
“Looks like you’re just a delicious memory now,” she said off-handedly.
“H-how can you be so calm?”
She only let out a soft purr, a final <3.
I shivered as I felt the stomach walls around me contract and squeeze me, excreting digestive fluids.
“Mm, you tasted so good, food, thanks for blanket!”
There was one last whisper.
“Lizard breath up there has a spell that will digest you quite soon. However, I won’t be joining you.” Something was pulled off one of my fingers. “The unfortunate dearie forgot about this <3. I’ll be using it soon, but unfortunately that leaves you with no escape. Ah well! Let’s enjoy it together, while it lasts <3<3<3<3<3”
The lizard woman moaned while the cat girl giggled. Soon though, Ssesna’s stomach grumbled loudly and squeezed us with magical strength, rubbing us over and over with digestive acids. The potent magical acids quickly turned me into jelly as I writhed and wriggled as best as I could, until my body was so soft I couldn’t hold against the force crushing me into a liquid, that was eventually drained into the intestines and finally absorbed.

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Yes, my human relationships aren't as good, and I use too many <3's. Suck on it <3

>>24

Aaah, much more fappable. Thank you for that rewrite, one was sure needed!