1 Name: Deoxys : 2009-09-21 17:27 [Del]
So, here is a story i wrote this morning. A few notes before you read: english is not my first lenguage, i know i do lots of grammar and ortographic faults. Instead of insulting me or something, just say what do I do wrong, and i will try to correct it for the next time. Also, i though a end for this, but i don't know if it was original enough, so i will post here just the beginning, and you will tell me where do you want the story to go. As i said before im not a good writer, but i like what i do and i love challenges :)
A last note for this, i overused the word "she" because i didn't came with a good name, if you find one, put it there :)
_____________________________________Story_________________
Black hole, EP1
She couldn't see anything. It looked like she was lying in some kind of table, but definitively something was wrong with that. She was completely blid, although she could saw a weak red light. The first thing she tried to do was to scream. Didn't work, a stocking or something like that was deep inside her mouth. She could not feel her arms or legs, but the sensation of a slowly moving cold air was telling her that she was alive. But that wasn't importnat now. "My legs must be there, don't worry about that... I must be drugged or something"
She was exceptionaly calmed for a situation like this. She started to think. And then the panic started again. She started to cry wthout control, while terrible thoughs started crossing her mind. "they are going to kill me!" "no, they are going to rape me first!" "oh, god, maybe they just want my organs for some rich son of a bitch!" The fear, the strange smell in the air and the lack of things she knew about her situation toke over her, and everything faded away slowly. "It must be a dream, it must be a dream, it must be a dream...."
A nice, warm voice woke her up. "Wake up, I have something important to tell you". It could not be! It wasn't a dream? "Relax, please" The voice said. "I know what are you thinking about, ut please dont worry, everything is gonna be OK". Who was that man? what was he doing to her? "don't worry, your arms and legs are still here, see? -said the man, doing a weird slap sound-. "we just drugged you for you security". WE? oh my god, there are more of them? and for my security? "Just try to sleep until everything is ready, need something?" Something? she jsut needed to get out of that place, go home and tell all that story to her husband. IN this difficult moments, she always wanted to see him, but that was impossible right now, so she tried to cry. Even this is impossible, the stocking still was in her mouth. "I will give you a drug to sleep, dont worry, just rest until everything is ready. Againm it was that sensation again. Everything ready? WHAT?! She was anxious to run out of there, but that was impossible. And with the sensation of a sharp needle drilling her skin, the poor perceptions of the girl faded out, and that strange smell took over everything again.
With a strange nightmare and with the fear of being drugged again, she woke up one more time in the same place, with a even more stronger smell and with the smelly stocking still in her mouth. Carefully, a gloved hand retired the stocking, and the same warm voice started to speak. At last, fresh air! well, not very fresh, because the strange smell was even stronger. "What is that? i can't take it anymore!" though for herself. It was something familiar, but with all that madness was impossible to guess what was that. Should she try to speak? what should she ask first? Could she move her arms or legs now? should she shout? "thats it! im going to shout! someone will notice im here!". She started to fill her lungs slowly... "really should i do it?" "yes, definitivelyi will!". And when the air of her lungs was moving through her throat, the gloved hand appeared in front of her mouse, silenting her. The voice again: "Don't do it, be a good girl and everything is going to be OK". Again that words, what did that means? she was trapped, what exactly was going to be OK?". "This asshole is trying to rape me, that must be!". And like reading her mind the voice said: "no, i'm not the one who wants to do something to you".
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As you can see, i tried to left the story open enough for you to came with your ideal end... Just let your imagination work, i will do the rest! :)
3 Name: Benji Z-Man : 2009-09-22 06:52 [Del]
...
Wall of text ahead. TL;DR = Needs work.
1) Wut
2) Spellchecker.
http://orangoo.com/spell/ is good if you don't have one of your own. Use it. Non-english primary means the grammar is fine, considering the lack of familiarity, but english words are something you can find.
http://translation2.paralink.com/ has some decent translation power if you need that, as well.
3) Wut
4) Plot goes where? I have no idea where you are going with this, other than it being that a girl has been grabbed. There's no creation of suspense; you need to focus a lot more on the girl prior to capture, her circumstances.
5) Break up paragraphs by speaker. Putting two or more people speaking in the one paragraph only helps to confuse the reader. New person speaking/replying = new line.
6) Tense structure. You shifted a few times into both past and present. So far to date, only Heinlein has been able to do that without a literary faux pas. Keep it either in the past ("she started to", "he considered", etc), or present ("she could feel", "as she did, he made a grab for").
7) Depth. Who are the men who grabbed her? Why did they grab her? Money? Political blackmail? Sick enjoyment? And how did they grab her? You sorta just gave us a girl in a box and said "what do you want to happen to her". The obvious answer is -to die-. This is gurochan. Cut her up, for fuck's sake!
8) Relying on the reader's imagination is a bad move. People read to stimulate their own imagination, usually out of a desire to be entertained. They don't really read a story to be interactive - not since computers gave us lovely games (including guro ones!) that stimulate us in different ways. Just make an ending, people will fap.
5 Name: Deoxys : 2009-09-22 14:53 [Del]
OK, thanks to all :)
I must say that i finished this in Spanish a while ago, with normal dialogues and "normal" ending and explanations, but i wanted to try something different.
For example, the objective of putting more than 1 dialogue per line was exactly to confuse the reader (just to make the text more confuse, like the situation the girl is living)
If you don't mind a spoiler, here's a resume of the original story: the "author" of the story was the man of the warm voice, who worked in a particular organisation, with the only objective of taking the money from rich people who payed in order to do whatever they wanted to a random girl kidnapped from the street (the kidnapping and all that is explained later in the original story)
basically, the guy who payed cutted her legs, saved them for her sex slaves to fuck with, fucked the girl, cutted her breasts to make a portable tit job machine, and then beheaded the girl and fucked her throat, saving the head for later.
But this wasn't anything original, so I came here because i though you would came up with better ideas for the identity of the man and the funny-guro part of the tale... for example... dunno, make the girl to eat shit, cut another thing, torture her just to have fun, animal rape, throw her to a giant crushing machine or something like that.
you know, i just was tired of writing stuff for people to fap and wanted to try something new, but if you want i can finish translating the story (and again, i'm sorry about my english -_-)
