Hetero-Paedo-Necrophiles (HPNs)
Top X ways to start a conversation
when trying to educate a friend, relative
or the general public about HPNs.
"Well, you know like, in the movies, how they say "Before I die, I want you to make me a WOMAN"? It's like that, only a little...later."
" "I'll give you a few moments alone with the body, to grieve. It's so tragic, she was so young and full of life..." - and since that day, I've never looked back."
"NEVER EVER refer to a dead body as "it". I'm very sensitive about that, you see..."
Begin a conversation about relationships with how you wish your current girlfriend were dead, and go on to elaborate all the possible advantages that would give. Finish with "If only she were a little younger..." and sigh.
Stress to your homophobic friends/relatives how you are ABSOLUTELY NOT GAY, and then pause and say, "However..."
Start with a riddle. "How can you be staying with a girl, and yet not be living with her?"
When caught in the act, "ITS NOT ILLEGAL IF THEY'RE NOT ALIVE!"
Not forgetting there are lady HPNs also...
"He stays hard ALL THE TIME and unlike ADULT MEN he's lightweight, portable, and fits neatly into a suitcase or the corner of the wardrobe. And it's not size that matters anyway."
YOU CAN SPOT A FELLOW HPN WHEN:
They keep a locked up bar fridge in their bedroom, decorated with love hearts.
The phrase "fresh meat" takes on a whole new meaning for them.
You find a tape labeled "porn" but find that it is full of disaster news footage.
They often seem depressed and lonely during the summer, and complain about not being able to afford a bar fridge.
When asked about their night job at the morgue they reply that it's a great place to pick up boys/girls.
The phrase "I hate litte boys/girls that answer back" takes on a whole new meaning for them.
Their girlfriend/boyfriend complains about always being asked to hold their breath and lie very still when in bed.
A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
You may or may not be aware that rape is still a serious crime in HPN communities. Having sex without consent is both immoral and gives a bad name to HPNs everywhere. If you know a fellow HPN who has indulged in such activities, please report them to the police immediately. Help stop the killing.
